Before the Conversation
When should I bring up concerns with parents?
Bring up concerns as soon as you've established a pattern (not a single incident) and have exhausted classroom strategies. Generally, wait at least 4-6 weeks into the school year unless safety is involved, giving you time to build rapport with the family and observe the child across multiple contexts. Document 5-7 specific examples before scheduling a formal meeting.
Exception: Safety concerns should be addressed immediately, even if it means having the conversation sooner than ideal.
How long should I observe before saying something?
For most concerns: 3-4 weeks of consistent observation with documented examples from multiple days and contexts. For urgent concerns (safety, severe behavioral issues, suspected abuse): immediately. For mild concerns: consider whether a casual check-in at pickup might suffice before scheduling a formal meeting.
What if I'm not sure if my concern is valid?
Consult with colleagues, specialists, or your director first. Share your observations and ask: "Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?" Look at developmental checklists to see if your concern aligns with age-appropriate milestones. Remember: if you're concerned enough to wonder, it's worth discussing with someone, you don't have to have all the answers before seeking consultation.
Should I tell parents I want to meet, or just say what it's about?
Be honest but not alarmingly specific. Try: "I'd like to meet with you to discuss how [Child] is doing in the classroom and some observations I've made." Avoid: "We need to talk about [Child]'s behavior" via text or email, which can cause unnecessary anxiety without context.
What if parents don't respond to my meeting request?
Try multiple communication methods (email, phone, note home). If still no response, consult with administration. Some programs require documentation of multiple contact attempts before escalating. Consider whether timing, language barriers, or work schedules might be factors. Offer flexible meeting times, including early morning or evening options.
Can I have this conversation over the phone or via email?
No. Serious concerns should always be discussed face-to-face (or via video call if distance requires). Written communication lacks tone, body language, and the ability to respond to emotions in real-time. Phone is acceptable only if in-person is truly impossible, but video is preferable. Save written communication for follow-up summaries.
Who should attend the meeting?
Ideal attendees:
- Primary teacher(s)
- Both parents if possible (be flexible if only one can attend)
- Program director or supervisor (especially for serious concerns)
- Specialists who work with the child (if relevant and parents consent)
Consider carefully before including:
- Assistant teachers (unless they have critical observations to share)
- Specialists the parent hasn't met (can feel overwhelming)
- Multiple administrators (can feel adversarial)
What if I'm really nervous and don't think I can do it?
This is completely normal! Strategies that help:
- Practice with a colleague beforehand
- Write out key points on notecards
- Remember: you can pause, breathe, and take your time
- Bring water for yourself
- It's okay to say "Let me think about that" if you're unsure how to respond
- Ask your director to attend for support
- Remind yourself that early intervention changes lives—your discomfort serves a greater purpose
During the Conversation
What if the parent starts crying?
Do:
- Pause and give them space
- Offer tissues
- Say something like: "I can see this is really hard to hear. Take your time."
- Acknowledge their love for their child: "I know how much you love [Child]."
- Stay calm and empathetic
- Wait for them to be ready to continue
Don't:
- Rush to fill the silence
- Minimize their feelings: "Don't cry" or "It's not that bad"
- Immediately problem-solve
- Take it personally or become emotional yourself (brief empathy is okay)
What if the parent gets angry or defensive?
Stay calm and empathetic:
- "I hear that you're upset. I understand this is difficult."
- "I'm not here to criticize you or [Child]. I'm sharing because I care."
- "We both want what's best for [Child]. I'm hoping we can work together."
Don't:
- Get defensive in return
- Argue or justify extensively
- Take it personally (their anger is usually rooted in fear or feeling judged)
- Back down from legitimate concerns just to keep the peace
If they become verbally abusive:
- Calmly state: "I understand you're upset, but I need us to speak respectfully to each other."
- Offer to reschedule: "Maybe we should take a break and meet again when we've both had time to process."
- Have an administrator present for safety if needed
What if they deny there's any problem?
Validate and invite:
- "I appreciate you sharing that you haven't seen this at home."
- "Sometimes children behave differently in different settings."
- "Would you like to come observe in the classroom so you can see what I'm seeing?"
Continue the relationship:
- "Even if we're not on the same page right now, I'd like to stay in communication."
- "Can we agree to try [classroom strategies] and check back in [timeframe]?"
- "I'll continue documenting what I'm seeing, and I'm happy to share that with you."
Remember: Denial is often a stage of processing. Don't force it. Keep the door open.
What if I don't know the answer to their question?
It's okay to say:
- "That's a great question. I don't know, but I'll find out and get back to you."
- "That's outside my area of expertise, but [specialist/resource] would be able to help with that."
- "Let me think about that and we can discuss it at our follow-up meeting."
Never: Make up answers or speculate beyond your knowledge. Parents need accurate information, not guesses.
Should I suggest a specific diagnosis?
No. You are not qualified to diagnose (unless you hold relevant clinical credentials). Instead:
- Describe what you observe behaviorally
- Suggest evaluation by qualified professionals
- Say: "A specialist can determine if there's something specific going on and what would help."
- Avoid: "I think they have ADHD/autism/dyslexia" or similar diagnostic statements
What if the parent asks, "Are you saying my child has [a specific condition]?"
Response: "I'm not qualified to diagnose, and that's not what I'm saying. What I am saying is that I'm observing [specific behaviors], and I think a specialist who is qualified to do assessments could help us understand what [Child] needs and how to best support them. The goal isn't to label [Child] but to make sure they're getting the right support."
How much should I say about other children in the class?
Never:
- Compare by name: "Unlike Emma, your child..."
- Share other children's information
- Discuss other families' situations
You can:
- Speak generally: "Most four-year-olds can..." or "Typically developing children at this age..."
- Describe classroom expectations without naming peers
- Use developmental milestones as reference points
Can I show them a video of their child?
Consider carefully:
- Check your program's policy on video/photo sharing
- Ensure video shows the pattern, not an isolated bad moment
- Preview it yourself to ensure it's appropriate
- Prepare the parent: "I have a short video that shows what I'm describing. It might be hard to watch."
- Use video to illustrate, not to prove or shame
Never: Show video that violates other children's privacy or that could be humiliating to the child.
What if the meeting is going badly and I need to end it?
It's okay to pause:
- "I think we might both need some time to process this. Can we schedule another time to continue?"
- "I'm sensing this isn't the right time for this conversation. Why don't we take a break?"
- "Let's both take some time to think and meet again in a few days."
If truly unsafe or unproductive:
- "I don't think we're going to make progress today. Let's reschedule and include [director/counselor]."
About Specific Concerns
How do I bring up suspected autism?
Don't: Say "I think your child has autism" or use the word autism unless the parent brings it up first.
Do: Describe specific observable behaviors:
- Social communication patterns
- Repetitive behaviors
- Sensory responses
- Play patterns
Then suggest: "These are things that a developmental specialist or pediatrician should evaluate. They can help us understand what's going on and what supports would be helpful."
If parent asks directly: "Do you think they have autism?"
Response: "I'm not qualified to say, but I do think evaluation would be valuable to understand how we can best support [Child]."
How do I discuss aggression without making it sound like their child is "bad"?
Frame it as:
- A communication challenge: "When [Child] gets frustrated and doesn't have the words, they..."
- A skill deficit: "They're still learning how to manage big feelings and haven't developed the tools yet."
- Developmentally normal but needing support: "Many young children struggle with impulse control, and [Child] needs extra support in this area."
Always include:
- What triggers the behavior
- What you've tried
- Evidence the child wants to do better
- Your confidence they can learn with support
Avoid: Labels like "aggressive," "violent," "mean," "bully"
What if the behavior is so severe I'm worried about expulsion?
Be honest but collaborative first:
- "I want to be transparent with you: [Child]'s behavior is significantly impacting their learning and safety, and I'm very concerned."
- "I need your help to figure out how we can support them so they can stay and succeed in our program."
- "Here's what we've tried. Here's what's not working. I'm hoping we can bring in additional support."
Only mention expulsion:
- After you've tried interventions with family partnership
- If it's truly the last resort
- With administration present
- With language like: "If we can't find ways to keep everyone safe, we may not be able to continue enrollment. I really don't want that to happen, which is why I'm asking for your help."
How do I address developmental delays without making parents feel like failures?
Emphasize:
- Brain development is complex and variable
- Early intervention is incredibly effective
- Many children "catch up" with appropriate support
- This is about understanding how their child learns best
Frame as: "Every child's brain develops at its own pace. [Child] is developing beautifully in [areas of strength], and we're noticing they need some extra support with [area of concern]. The earlier we can get them that support, the better."
Avoid: Anything that suggests the parent caused it or should have noticed sooner.
After the Conversation
What should I include in the follow-up email?
Include:
- Thank you for meeting
- Brief summary of what you discussed (factual, not emotional)
- Agreed-upon next steps with timeline
- Resources/contact information promised
- Next check-in date
- Invitation to reach out with questions
Don't include:
- Play-by-play of emotional reactions
- Anything you wouldn't want forwarded
- New concerns not discussed in person
- Detailed documentation (save for official files)
How often should I follow up?
Initial phase: Weekly or bi-weekly check-ins (brief, informal) After plan is established: Every 2-4 weeks with formal updates Ongoing: As needed, but maintain regular positive communication too
Remember: Share positives, not just concerns. Parents need to hear good news too.
What if the parents don't follow through with recommendations?
First: Check if there are barriers (cost, time, transportation, language, insurance, fear) Then: Revisit the conversation: "I know we talked about evaluation. How's that going? Is there anything I can help with?"
Focus on what you can control: Continue classroom strategies and documentation.
If it continues: Involve administration. Document that you've recommended evaluation/support multiple times.
Remember: You can't force parents to act, but you can continue advocating within your scope.
Should I tell other staff about the conversation?
Yes, share with:
- Co-teachers who work with the child (they need to know the plan)
- Your supervisor/director (they should always be informed)
- Specialists working with the child (with parent permission)
No, don't share with:
- Other parents
- Staff who don't work with the child
- People outside your program
How to share: Focus on the plan going forward, not the emotional details of the conversation.
What do I do if parents complain about me after the conversation?
Immediate actions:
- Inform your director immediately
- Provide documentation of the conversation
- Share your notes and examples
- Remain professional and don't speak negatively about the family
Remember:
- You acted in the child's best interest
- You followed professional protocols
- Defensive reactions from parents don't mean you did something wrong
- Administration should support teachers who appropriately raise concerns
Special Situations
What if I suspect abuse or neglect?
This is different from a developmental concern. If you suspect abuse or neglect:
- Follow your mandatory reporter obligations immediately
- Document thoroughly
- Report to appropriate authorities (child protective services, not just parents)
- Inform your supervisor
- You may still need to communicate with parents, but prioritize the child's safety
- Consult with administration about how to handle the relationship with the family
What if there's a language barrier?
Essential steps:
- Use a qualified interpreter (not the child or another parent)
- Provide written materials in the family's home language
- Speak in shorter sentences and pause for interpretation
- Check for understanding throughout
- Be aware of cultural differences in how disability/development is viewed
- Allow extra time for the conversation
What if the family's cultural beliefs conflict with my recommendations?
Approach with cultural humility:
- Ask about their beliefs and values
- Listen to understand, not to change their mind
- Find common ground: "We both want [Child] to thrive"
- Adapt recommendations to align with their values when possible
- Respect their right to make decisions for their child
- Consult with cultural liaisons or family advocates
What if I disagree with another teacher's assessment of the child?
Before the meeting:
- Discuss differences with the other teacher privately
- Try to align on key observations
- Present as "We've noticed different things in different contexts"
- Focus on facts, not interpretations
If you can't align:
- Consider whether one of you should lead the conversation
- Agree not to contradict each other in front of parents
- Bring in administration to mediate perspective differences
What if parents want me to just "fix it" without outside help?
Validate and clarify:
- "I hear that you'd like to keep this in the classroom if possible."
- "I'm absolutely going to do everything I can here at school."
- "And I also think [Child] would benefit from expertise I don't have."
Be honest about limitations:
- "There's a lot I can do, but I'm not a [specialist]. [Child] deserves support from someone who specializes in this."
- "The earlier we bring in expert help, the more effective my classroom strategies will be."
Self-Care and Professional Development
How do I stop thinking about these conversations constantly?
Boundaries matter:
- Set a time limit for worrying: "I'll think about this until 8pm, then I'm done for the night"
- Debrief with colleagues or supervisor, then consciously move on
- Remember: you did your part; you can't control the outcome
- Practice self-compassion: "I did my best with the information and skills I had"
If it's ongoing: Consider whether you need additional training, therapy support, or consultation.
How can I get better at these conversations?
Practice matters:
- Role-play with colleagues before real conversations
- Debrief after every difficult conversation: what worked, what didn't
- Seek feedback from supervisors or mentors
- Take professional development specifically on parent communication
- Read books on difficult conversations (like "Crucial Conversations")
- Record yourself (with permission) and review
Remember: Even experienced educators find these hard. Proficiency comes with practice, not perfection.
When should I seek support for myself?
Seek support if:
- You're having anxiety or sleep disruption before parent meetings
- You're avoiding necessary conversations due to fear
- You're taking parent reactions very personally
- You feel resentful toward families who don't follow through
- You're experiencing compassion fatigue
- You're second-guessing everything you say
Resources: Employee assistance programs, therapy, mentorship, professional coaching, peer support groups
Final Thoughts
What's the most important thing to remember?
Your primary obligation is to the child. When in doubt, ask: "What does this child need?" The temporary discomfort of a difficult conversation is a small price for getting a child the support that could change their life trajectory.
You don't have to be perfect. You need to be honest, kind, and committed to partnership. Parents will remember how you made them feel more than every word you said.
These conversations are part of your professional responsibility. Avoiding them doesn't serve anyone. Having them, even imperfectly, honors your commitment to children and families.